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My very work—my plays, my stories and poems—seemed effete, gutless, and unmanned. I told April. Of course I told April, but there was little she could do, and how much sympathy can you expect from your lover when you break up with your wife? She was wonderful to give me what she did. Mostly she hated Lexi for what she’d done to me, for crushing my confidence in myself and utterly destroying my libido. And yet somehow in this hell of feeling, April was able to touch me. April never abandoned me. She came and she sat with me in the empty apartment and she listened to me bitch. She walked with me down by the frozen docks under the leaden skies. She cooked for me and made me eat. She wouldn’t hear me talk about being weak, about not being worthy, yet it was such a farce, to sit there and weep and have someone tell me how strong I was, how worthy of admiration. I still talked to Lexi. I had no reason not to. There’d been no argument, no harsh words or recriminations. Besides, I couldn’t. As far as he was concerned, his heart was broken. She remembered the feeling of being turned down and knew it was never pleasant. Managing a sympathetic smile, she tried to bring back the earlier subject of the source of all of this trouble. “Look, I really need for you to tell me where you got the magazines. I won’t be mad.”Sam gently shook his head.She knew that he couldn’t have bought them himself since she kept his picture ID in her purse. They had to be given to him by someone, but he hardly knew anyone besides her. “Sammy, please tell me why they gave the pornography to you.”He opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated and remained silent. He was still hurt.Lucy couldn’t help herself; she hated seeing him in pain. She moved forward, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug. He remained stiff, not relaxing. Sam was never comfortable with touch, but rather than holding his breath, she noticed his respirations were fast and shallow. His fists clenched tightly as her.
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